How to Raise an Adult - Part 1

Every once in a while you read a book and you want to share what you've read - and you're not even done with the book yet! I'm currently working on How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, and I have to say, as a parent, it really makes you think. "What did I do wrong?" "Did I do ANYTHING right?" and "How screwed up are my kids?" have become familiar questions as I've worked my way through each chapter. 

While I don't agree with everything the author covers (sorry, I don't think I'm leaving my 8-year-old at home alone, and geez, could you talk to any normal person not in the 1%?), some of her points really hit home. Particularly as someone who spends a fair amount of time around college students, and who has college students, I am struck by her discussion of the three basic types of helicopter parents:

• The "I will do everything for you" parent
• The "the world is a scary place so I will protect you endlessly" parent
• The "I know what's best for you so you'll do exactly what I say" parent 

We all have a tendency to fall into these traps, for a variety of reasons, most of which stem from a place of love and caring but which leave us with children who struggle to live as adults on their own. Here at the university, we sometimes hear things like, "I didn't appreciate the discussion we had in class today. You can expect a call from my mother," and "Why did my child receive a "C" on this test?" If a student has issues such as these they should be speaking to professors or staff themselves. That they aren't demonstrates that we clearly have a problem.

Why should parents of gifted students care about this, perhaps even more than other parents? First, because your child may have a shot at one of the country's most selective colleges, which is great - except that the race to get into these schools is in large part driving the overparenting problem. Second, because they're working very hard in school to achieve success, we may be letting things like chores and other responsibilities slide, which means that when they have to work at something other than school, they might not know how. Third, gifted students sometimes come with other quirks - anxiety, perfectionism, etc. - that can make it difficult to function, and this makes it even more critical that we don't contribute to their problems. 

I encourage you to read the book, look for any of several online articles by Lythcott-Haims, or watch her TedTalk. I'll probably continue to post about more of her ideas as I get further into it.