How to Raise an Adult - Part 2

Since finishing Julie Lythcott-Haims book, How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, I have been thinking about one of her key points, which is essentially that college selection is a match to be made, not a game to be won.

Some things to consider: 

1. There are about 2,800 accredited four-year colleges and universities in the U.S. (plus community colleges, etc.). Approximately 100 of those are moderately to highly selective (admission rates under 33 percent). That means there are approximately 2,700 schools with average admission rates of 64%. And that means there is somewhere for everyone.

2.  Just because your child is gifted doesn't mean a highly selective school has to be their goal. Students choose a college based on a wide variety of reasons: program options, size, location, environment, cost. If selectivity is part of the discussion because your student wants to surround him/herself with other highly competitive students that's one thing - if they are looking at elite schools because of the name on the sweatshirt - that's another. This is as important for parents to consider as it is for the child.

3. The myth that only certain schools are good schools is a huge contributor to the current overparenting epidemic (and widely Lycott-Haims' concern). Parents don't want their kids to take risks or make mistakes because it means they might not get into Stanford. Kids are overscheduled to the point of exhaustion because they think they need to check all of these activities boxes to get into Yale. There is no time for part-time jobs, or hiking outdoors, or spending the day at the beach with friends - all valuable, lesson-learning, life-affirming activities - because every day is committed to homework and test prep so you can go to MIT. All the things we want them to do - discover new interests, learn from failure, be good friends - can be lost in the all-consuming pursuit of getting into the right school. But if you can't be yourself and get in, is it the right school for you?

4. There is no one right path to personal fulfillment. Parents need to take a step back and look at their own journey. Was it Step A, Step B, Step C = everlasting happiness? Or did you have to take a detour, circle back, start over? Was it steep, bumpy, muddy? Your student's path will not always be straight, and it may be full of potholes - but it's their path. Let them follow it - at the college that's right for them.