LEARNING FROM OUR MISTAKES

Sometimes when things don’t go as planned, it’s hard to deal with the situation. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying. It makes you grit your teeth and say “ergh.”

Sunday was like that.

Students and families who went online to watch Part 2 of Dr. Kelly and Ms. Nan’s presentation on how to improve executive function skills had trouble getting into the virtual meeting. The system asked some people to provide a password – even though we did not set up the meeting to require a password.

Then when we tried to show a clip from a great YouTube video on procrastination, the video would not play correctly. And the sound faded in and out.

And there was some confusion on Ms. Nan’s part about who was supposed to talk about which sections in the presentation, which made the first slide or two she discussed a little…discombobulated.

Some days, some projects, some events, are just a lesson in frustration.

What should students take away from this experience?

• Everyone has moments when things just don’t go their way. Even adults. You might think, as a kid, that you can’t wait to be a grown up because life is bound to be easier, but obstacles and mistakes happen to us old folks, too. So be prepared for this reality.
• No matter how much you prepare, sometimes things happen that require you to think on your feet. This is known as cognitive flexibility and is an executive functioning skill. Flexible Thinking “refers to the ability to shift attention mid-task, thinking about things in a new or different way, adapting to changes, adjusting in problem solving, and incorporating new information into plans or ideas” (https://www.theottoolbox.com/executive-functioning-skills/#:~:text=Shift-,Cognitive%20Flexibility,information%20into%20plans%20or%20ideas).

Another way we showed flexibility was shifting gears and putting closed captioning on the video (thanks for that suggestion, Abe!) so that people could read the text of the video when they couldn’t hear it. Being able to change course and adapt to what is happening around you is an essential life skill. And yes, we were talking about executive function and using an executive function skill at the same time. We should get bonus points for that.

• The person you’re working with is your partner. When things go wrong it is a time to work together to find solutions, not get angry and cast blame. We could have been mad and yelled, but we came together as a team to do the best we could to deal with the issues. While Dr. Kelly presented, Ms. Nan answered emails for people struggling to get in. While Ms. Nan spoke, Dr. Kelly made sure we knew who was online with us. We didn’t take our frustrations out on each other, because nobody wins in that situation.
• If you have perfectionistic tendencies, you want to have a lot of control over every situation. You want things to go “just right.” But sometimes you just have to do the best you can with what you have to work with. Many people think that doing everything really well is the key to success, but one of the biggest keys to success is grit. And one of the fundamental traits of grit is perseverance. “To persevere means to start and continue steadfastly on the path towards any goal you set and frequently this factor alone is the difference between failure and success” (https://www.sacap.edu.za/blog/applied-psychology/what-is-grit/).

If you really want things to be perfect (and Sunday was a far cry from perfect), and you see things going off the rails, you may be tempted to just give up. To quit. And we could have done that. We could have just said, “This is too hard, we should just cancel.” But, instead, we persevered. We showed grit. And hopefully we set a good example for all of you. 

So was Sunday difficult, annoying, and frustrating? Yes. Is there a good chance that we got off that call and indulged in a lot of chocolate or ice cream or both? Definitely yes.

But the world didn’t end. We figured things out. Hopefully we learned from some mistakes. And maybe you learned from our mistakes. Which means maybe Sunday wasn’t so bad after all.

Until next time,

Ms. Nan

BREATHE IN...AND BREATHE OUT...OVER SPRING BREAK

NEXT WEEK IS SPRING BREAK!

It could be that you are really excited about spring break, or it could be that our suggestions to "rest and rejuvenate" are actually adding to your stress. Gifted students, who generally like to exercise their brains, soak in new information, and challenge themselves, frequently struggle to turn off their thoughts and actually relax.

And the thing is, everyone's idea of what actually is relaxing is different. For instance, I like to read, or cook, or take a walk with a friend. My oldest daughter loves to be outside in nature, and my youngest daughter loves to take long baths and spend quality time with her cats. Each person's recharging technique is unique to them.

With that in mind, here are some tips on fun things you might consider doing (either on spring break or just on a random Saturday) to destress:

• Deep breathing
• Meditation (regular or guided; there are plenty of free apps for this)
• Go outside
• Listen to music, any music that helps you unwind. Bonus points if it makes you dance.
• Exercise. Any exercise is good; consider yoga for that extra mind/body balance.
• Take a hot bath. Add music and bubbles to your bath if necessary.
• Laugh (comedy specials, funny cat videos, a goofy movie)

Those are fairly common suggestions. These three might either be a little harder or require a bit more thought:

• Organize

What? You don't understand what organizing has to do with relaxing? Think about it. How much of your regular daily life do you spend looking for things? How much homework have you lost? Where did your favorite pair of socks go?

Even an hour spent decluttering your backpack, closet, desk, or bedroom can help make your post-vacation weeks less stressful. If you spend an extra hour creating a system that keeps you more organized (think color coding, to-do lists, file folders, etc.), you will create even more breathing room for yourself when classes restart. This is a short-term project with long-term benefits, and spring break is a great time to tackle it.

• Try something new

Is there a craft, hobby, or activity you've always wanted try, but haven't had the chance? Would you like to learn to cook, knit, or play the guitar? Set aside the time to try something new. I like to cook to relax, but when I really want to give my mind a break I research recipes and create dishes from around the world. And YouTube and Instagram are great for teaching yourself a new skill. One of my daughters learned to crochet just by watching videos!

• Take a break from your digital devices

This one can be HARD! Set your phone, laptop, or tablet aside and find fun things to do that don't involve a screen. More and more studies show that digital devices add to stress for children, teens, and adults, so if you need to turn everything off, even if it's just for a few hours, do it. And then keep track of how you feel when you are slightly less connected. If not being attached to a device makes you itchy, restless, or irritable, you may need a longer detox. This may be a time to try the deep breathing, meditation, or yoga.

One thing you can do to stay off your device is play a board game, do a crossword puzzle, or a watch a movie with friends or family - and don't allow any phones during this activity. Make a game out of it - the first person to grab for their phone pays a penalty! You can play for candy, quarters, or bragging rights.

If you'd like more great ideas on "Stress Relief That Works," you can visit this article at the Huffington Post.

Now go! Have fun!

Until next time,

Ms. Nan

DEVELOPING FLEXIBILITY (NO, NOT THAT KIND!)

Students are used to seeing emails, reminders, and blog posts from ATYP regarding executive function. Usually we are talking to students about things like time management, organization, and task initiation because these are areas where middle schoolers are still developing and, hence, where they frequently struggle. But today we’re going to visit the issue of flexibility, an area where many people – adults, teens, and children – could use some help, and give a very specific example of how we came up with this topic.

First, I want to acknowledge Amy Sippl at lifeskillsadvocate.com, who has some great ways to contemplate and talk about flexibility and flexible thinking. Why is flexibility important? According to Amy, flexibility is “our ability to change our behavior to different contexts or stimuli in our world.” What happens if we don’t have this ability? We do the same things repeatedly (sometimes making the same mistakes), we can’t change direction, transition between tasks, or even hear different opinions. In other words, we get stuck.

How can parents and teachers help teach flexibility as a skill?

• Model listening to different sides of an argument.
• Discuss different strategies for solving problems, be they math problems or life problems.
• Read stories or books with characters who show flexible thinking/behaviors (or discuss how a character is inflexible and how that might be having a negative impact).
• Play games, especially strategy-based games like “Risk” or “Ticket to Ride,” where the ability to change direction or adapt quickly helps you win.
• Go on adventures that are new for the whole family or class; everyone having to be flexible at once levels the playing field.
• Try deep breathing or other mindfulness activities if the need for flexibility creates some anxious moments!

                                            foothillsacademy.org/community/articles/cognitive-flexibility

Why the focus on flexibility this week? As some of you may or may not have heard, WMU has been dealing with an episode of hacking in its computer systems, forcing many of the data and digital storage systems that Dr. Kelly and I typically use to become, well, unusable. In other words, it has been very hard for us to do our jobs. We have had to re-think old systems, recreate files, and select new projects that do not involve the computer. In some ways, this is similar to what we had to do during the pandemic shutdown, when there was a lot of reinventing the wheel on an almost daily basis. And this reminded us of a simple fact: flexible thinking can be hard. It’s tiring. Occasionally it invokes, if not temper tantrums, grumpiness. But…not being flexible these last couple of weeks would have meant a complete inability to run the office and help students in all the important ways that we do.

So when you’re analyzing your executive function skills and thinking about which skills you might want to focus on developing, don’t leave flexibility off your list because you think it doesn’t matter. Flexibility can be a critical skill in school, work, and life. Take time to practice, learn to go with the flow, and get unstuck!

Until next time,

Ms. Nan

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION REVISIT

 

Congratulations! You’ve made it through the halfway point of the year, and hopefully you’ve settled into a routine and started to figure out how to make life in ATYP work for you.What? You still struggle to start your papers? You’re still losing your math homework? You still don’t know what to do first?

Welcome to the world of Executive Function…or dis-function, depending on how you look at things.

If you think back to orientation, you might remember a discussion about executive function skills as part of the presentation. Every year, an informal survey of our families would probably find that 5% start with an understanding that their student has some type of executive function deficit. These tend to be either the families of students who have some type of recognized neurodiversity issue (ADHD or Asperger’s, for instance), and families of students with a history of “the dog ate my homework.” By recognizing that they have skills to develop, these students and families frequently come prepared to put in some extra work.

Another 25% or so of our families might think, “Well, we don’t think there is an executive function concern here, but we will stay alert and see if anything pops up.” By keeping their eyes and ears open for problems with things like task initiation, organization, and sustained attention, they can help students tackle these issues and address them as they arise. These are not always fun conversations, but they can keep a small concern from spiraling out of control.

Then there are the other 70% of families who think “My child does not have any executive function issues, work has never been late, they don’t lose things, we always have time to do homework and go to the zoo and go to the movies and play five sports. It will be fine.” These families are often in for a rude awakening because the fact is almost everyone – students, parents, instructors, staff – has some executive function strengths AND some executive function weaknesses. It’s just a matter of time before you have to figure out which are which, and how to work with both.

Accepting you have some growing to do is less daunting if you understand the following fundamental truths:

• Having an executive function weakness – in any area – does not make you a bad person, or less intelligent, or broken in some fashion. It may mean that your brain hasn’t fully developed yet and you’re still catching up, or it may mean that you could use some practice or coaching to improve. If you were a soccer player who was a great passer and shooter, but needed help to improve your footwork, you probably wouldn’t think twice about it. You want to be a great soccer player, but you also want to be a great student. Sometimes that requires work.
• Many executive function issues don’t show up until put to the test. A student who has never had trouble prioritizing projects or activities may suddenly find that this is a concern when there are more items to juggle, and this frequently happens in middle school when students have multiple teachers or as work becomes more challenging. This is a fairly typical developmental issue; it just looks scarier when the more challenging work happens all at once – like at ATYP.
• Everyone has executive function domains where they are stronger and where they are weaker, just like everyone has talents and gifts in some areas, and “not so much” in others. For instance, I am good at planning and organizing, but I am not very flexible. It is okay to be great and not-so-great in different domains, as long as you shore up your weaknesses so they don’t become an obstacle to success.
• You continue to develop executive function skills until young adulthood, which means you have a lot of time to grow into the skills you need. Don’t freak out if goal-directed persistence isn’t your thing at 12; it might definitely be your thing at 22.

Highly gifted children sometimes underachieve or struggle because executive function concerns aren’t addressed. It doesn’t have to be that difficult! Talk to your instructor or to me if you think this is an area where you could use some help.

Until next time,

Ms. Nan

P.S. You can find previous blog posts on executive function on December 7, 20202, and February 18 & 25, 2021 if you want to read more!

WHY DEADLINES?

Every once in a while ATYP hears questions from students that we feel require answers, and lately one of the questions that has trickled down is “Why does our homework have deadlines?”

First, let’s acknowledge the fact that most people don’t enjoy deadlines. They’re stressful, they can cause anxiety, and in general they are not a lot of fun. But let’s face it – life is full of deadlines, and learning how to meet those deadlines is part of learning how to be an adult (#grownup101).

Deadlines for homework serve a multitude of purposes. One, if half of a class of students is working with one deadline, and a quarter of a class thinks it has a separate deadline, and a few stragglers are turning things in even later, it likely means the class is in all different places with the material. If you’re not doing the homework and behind on absorbing new information, is the rest of the class having to wait for you? That’s not fair to them. And if they work to meet a certain deadline and get one grade, and you don’t meet a deadline but get a better grade because you took your time, that’s not fair either.

Two, the teacher grading the homework is likely grading all of one type of homework at a time, and it’s much easier to grade all of one assignment than to have to keep checking to see who has turned in that work, then grading it, and checking again, and grading it. When everyone meets the deadline, teachers can be much more efficient. In essence, turning in your homework on time is a sign of respect for your instructor, showing that you understand the time and effort they put into what they do – and that you do not want to make their work harder.

Third, we have deadlines because school in general (and ATYP in particular) is as much about life lessons as it is about coursework and curriculum. And meeting deadlines is a huge part of life. Think about the deadlines you will have to meet just for college – submitting admission and scholarship applications, as well as financial aid documentation. I know one young man who forgot to turn in his housing application and nearly didn’t have a dorm room his freshman year. As you get older you will have to meet all kinds of deadlines at work, and not meeting them could mean you don’t have a job. You must pay your mortgage and make your car payment on time, because you want to have a home to live in and a vehicle to drive. Those are all deadlines, and they all matter.

Finally, Dr. Kelly and I find that, frankly, if a project doesn’t have a deadline, it doesn’t get done. Sometimes that’s procrastination, and sometimes that’s just a function of busy schedules and not having time to get to everything. But items do get checked off the checklist when there is a due date, because there isn’t a choice. So think about your homework. If there wasn’t a deadline, when would you do those last five math problems? When would you turn in your logical fallacies?

There are all kinds of tricks and tips for prioritizing work, avoiding procrastination, and being better organized so you CAN meet deadlines – you can always email the office to ask to meet with me to work on those skills. Meeting deadlines and being on time with assignments is a lifehack that will serve you well not just in ATYP, but many years from now. Your future boss will thank you for figuring it out!

Until next time,

Ms. Nan

REGAINING CIVILITY - ONE PRINCIPLE AT A TIME

Lately do you find other people…annoying? Do you find yourself crabbier with other people than you want to be, and more short-tempered? Are you less patient, and more judgmental? I know I am. I suspect that with the long stay-at-home period and the restrictions on in-person gatherings, we have forgotten how to be pleasant. Respectful. Empathetic. And we need to find our way back to civil human interaction.

Enter the Oshkosh Civility Project. According to their website, the Oshkosh Civility Project is a community-based effort to encourage better practices in interpersonal communication. In other words, it’s an entire town working together to be nicer to one another.

In his article on the project, author Tom Grogan discusses how working and learning from home meant less face-to-face interaction, and how that in turn changed the way we communicate, reducing social cues and normal patterns of expression. We have forgotten how to talk to each other, and we have replaced pleasant conversation with hostility and anger.

The Civility Project hopes to repair the damage and correct behavior by reintroducing Nine Principles of Civility. They include:

1. Pay Attention - Be Aware of Others & Sensitive to the Immediate Context of Actions
2. Listen Closely - Understand Other Points of View
3. Be Inclusive - Welcome All; Don't Exclude Anyone
4. Don't Gossip - Remind Others of the Importance of this Practice
5. Show Respect - Honor Others (Especially in Disagreement)
6. Be Agreeable - Find Opportunities to Agree
7. Apologize Sincerely - Repair Damaged Relationships

8. Give Constructive Comments, Suggestions & Feedback - No Personal Attacks      (Focus on Issues)

9. Accept Responsibility - Don't Shift Blame; Share Disagreements Publicly (Instead of talking about people behind their back.)

Personally, I think this goes beyond how we speak to each other. It also holds true for how we think about people privately, and how we speak about other people publicly. If we can’t show a higher regard for others in our own minds, it is likely to come out in how we interact with them in the world.

If, like me, you are struggling to remember how to treat people well, and how to be more tolerant and less judgmental of others’ foibles, please remember the Oshkosh Civility Pledge: "We build a stronger and more diverse community by actively sharing our ideas and opinions with others in thoughtful and considerate ways. By practicing this basic commitment to civility, we learn and grow from one another - even in disagreement."

I know that I can do better. I’m sure that you can, too.

Til next time, 

Ms. Nan

P.S. Thanks to Ms. Citino for the idea for this blog post!

HAVING A BAD DAY? I UNDERSTAND!

Have you ever read Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day? It's
the story of a young boy whose day just goes from bad to worse until he wants to move to Australia, where he's sure these kinds of awful things just don't happen. Have you ever had one of those days? I have.

Last week I had a day where my water stopped working so I couldn't take a shower. I bought shoes that seemed like they fit at the store and when I got them home realized they were too small. Then I got to work and everything was crazy, and my daughter called and was upset because a customer yelled at her. And then I found out that a good friend of mine had tested positive for COVID. It was the kind of day I nicely refer to as "not enough chocolate" and not nicely refer to as "crap-tastic."

What makes it a bad day for you? Did you start your math homework thinking you were supposed to answer the questions that ended in 6, when the syllabus said to answer the questions ending in 4? Did you forget to call your English classmate until the day before the assignment you were supposed to work on together was due? Did your best friend ghost you in the cafeteria? Can you just not figure out how to do that dance move the teacher showed you? Is the coach on your case because you're a step too slow? Did someone say something nasty about your hair/clothes/sister? Do you just want to move to Australia?

The reality is, we all have those days. Other kids, your parents, your teachers, your coaches - everyone. Sometimes it seems like we rolled out of bed on the wrong side, and other days it seems like the universe is out to get us. Do you wonder if there are things you can do on days like this to make the world seem less awful? Here are a few suggestions that are easier, faster, and less expensive than that plane ticket:

• Find a non-judgmental ear to vent to. This could be a parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, sibling, friend, friend's parent, teacher...anyone who is a good listener. Sometimes just having someone to hear about it, nod, and say it's going to be okay is the best medicine. A hug can also be good if they're nearby.
• Try meditation. There are lots of apps and podcasts that can help you learn to meditate (some are free). Meditation helps you to keep you grounded and mindful and less likely to focus on what else can go wrong.
• Listen to music. Few things can lift your mood like a favorite song or album. As an old person, I find that Jimmy Buffett makes me want to smile and dance. You may like Arianna Grande. Take your pick.
• Settle in with a good book. It's okay to take 20 minutes and read for pleasure if it eases your stress and helps you to relax. Then read some more after you've finished your homework.
• Cook something. If you enjoy food or just like experimenting, trying a new dish or baking a favorite recipe can be a great way to decompress.
• Exercise! Take a walk, ride a bike, lift weights - just move! Moving releases stress like few other activities.
• Find something to be grateful for. This one can be hard on particularly bad days, but it does help. On my very bad day I was grateful that my friend was fully vaccinated so not likely to get too sick. And later I was grateful that my water came back on. And then I was grateful that I had chocolate to eat.

If you struggle with how to handle the tough days, ask the adults in your life for suggestions. They may have strategies to try that they just don't realize they're using. Your friends and teachers might also have ideas. If your day is particularly awful make sure you reach out to someone - being alone in the awfulness can make it worse. 

Remember, no matter how bad it seems, tomorrow is another day. A day that is likely to be less horrible and less terrible, where your shoes fit and the water is hot and plentiful. 

Until next time,

Ms. Nan