The Weight of Expectations

One of the things our survey respondents told us was most difficult to balance was the weight of expectations - those of the adults in their lives and their own internalized expectations. Expectations can be a heavy, heavy load.

Parents and teachers sometimes look at kids' IQ test scores or early ACT/SAT test scores and think, "well obviously this child is headed for the Ivy League," which is a lot to put on an eleven or twelve-year-old. We frequently think we have to push, pull, or prod a child in the direction of what we term as success. One of the problems with this is that what we think of as success might not be what the child thinks - either it's not the path they want to take in life, or not the speed they want to go down the path, or they want to stop and take a left turn. Too many of us look at those scores and assume a child wants to be a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut, when maybe they want to be a teacher, or a police officer, or an electrician. We want highly intelligent and thoughtful people in those fields as well; they are not careers we want to steer kids away from. Students should be encouraged to find paths that fit their strengths and interests, not those that fit our dreams of what they might achieve.

It was also very clear that some of the expectations came from students' peers. Once other kids become aware of a student's reputation as smart or high-achieving, the expressed belief is that the child will ALWAYS win, will ALWAYS be successful. The truth is everyone comes in second sometimes, everyone makes mistakes, and most of us fail brilliantly at one point or another. If other children express the expectation that a student will never do those things, it makes it difficult for authentic and mutually supportive relationships to form and be one of the reasons gifted children sometimes struggle to make friends. Even gifted kids know that at some point they are not going to win, and they don't need to surround themselves with those who are secretly hoping they lose.

These kinds of expectations can help drive students to unhealthy perfectionism. Adaptive perfectionism can be good for kids, it helps them to do their best and can certainly help students to achieve. But unhealthy perfectionism frequently means that students can't start (or finish) schoolwork, leads to anxiety, and cause students to underachieve. If a child is receiving the message that the expectation is that they will be perfect, we need to step back and rethink either what we are saying...or what they are hearing. No one is perfect, no adult and certainly no child. The message they have to hear is that we love them no matter what. Full stop.

Many of our kids, of course, have their own very clear ideas of what they want to accomplish, and what they should be able to accomplish. They sometimes push themselves to the brink of exhaustion because of their own expectations. While this can lead many students to be what others would consider "success," it sometimes comes at a very high cost. Our students discussed at length the stress, anxiety, and feelings of never being enough that came with their own internalized beliefs are about their abilities and goals. Please take a minute to hug your gifted child and let them know that they are always enough, and that your hope is that they are happy being themselves, with no expectation that they be anything else.

Finding Balance

In November, Dr. Kelly and I will be headed off to the National Association for Gifted Children's annual conference in Albuquerque, New Mexico. A few weeks ago we started reaching out to past and current students, as well as to students in other gifted programs across the state, to get answers to questions to use in our presentation, "You Just Don't Get It: What Gifted Students Wish Parents & Teachers Knew." In a series of blog posts, I'm going to share some of the themes, comments, and lessons we learned from your responses.

These are the questions we asked in our survey:

• What are some of the unique challenges you face as a gifted student?
• What do your parents do that is particularly helpful?
• What do your parents do that really does NOT work?
• If you could go back and change one thing about your education, what would it be?
• What would your ideal classroom look like?
• What’s the difference between appropriately challenging and overwhelming?
• How often is being gifted a curse rather than a blessing?

Probably the most common theme we heard in response to these questions was about balance. Gifted students struggle to find balance in many aspects of their lives - time, challenge, maturity level, just to name a few.

Many respondents talked about balancing time to do homework with time to play sports or participate in other extracurricular activities. Many times they want to just have time to play or veg out, but feel overwhelmed by either academic requirements or by other responsibilities. We know that many students have a variety of interests (multi-potentiality anyone?) but having so much going on can make it hard to say "no" and difficult to prioritize. Go time and down time seem to be a very difficult balancing act, leading to high levels of stress.

Other students discussed the balance between curriculum that is challenging and curriculum that is overwhelming. They want to learn, they want to grow, they want to bend - but they don't want to break. Even so, many respondents said that what they at first found to be overwhelming they frequently learned to conquer. This led them to develop all sorts of study and time management skills that they appreciated when they got further into high school and college. Many of them agreed that the line between appropriately challenging and just too much was very fine, and sometimes difficult to understand when you're in the thick of it.

Another aspect of balance was the difference between being a gifted kid and just being...a kid. While they want to be challenged in the classroom and have their intellect respected, many respondents also want you to understand that they were still 8. Or 12. Or 16. They're still forgetting their lunch money, or having their first kiss, or going through driver's ed just like any other kid. Sometimes it's not about being smart, sometimes it's about the normal stuff, just like everyone else. 

The asynchrony between what the brain is capable of academically and intellectually and what a student is dealing with socially and emotionally can be hard for students to navigate, a lot of times because it's hard for the adults in their lives to wrap their heads around. Sometimes adults think, "You read at an 11th grade level. Why don't your think/act/understand at an 11th grade level?" and the 8-year-old has to say, "Because I'm 8." Everyone in this situation may struggle to find equilibrium.

In all of these instances parents and teachers need to stop and ask themselves whether or not the children in their care are finding balance, while at the same time understanding that balance for one child may not look like balance to another. And that sometimes what looks like stability can be more precarious than we think. Sometimes the stresses of life and school can build up quickly, leading us to tip over. More about some of those stressors next time...

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF GIFTED EDUCATION?

Here is a stunner for some of our students - gifted education experts argue about you. A lot. 

Some experts on gifted education (Linda Silverman, Jim Delisle, The Columbus Group, etc.), believe that giftedness is a psychological trait that is just a part of who you are. It's the way you were born, and you need to be challenged in school because this is what you need to be a happy and fulfilled person. Experts in the talent development movement (such as Paula Olszewski-Kubilius) believe that while you may have been born with greater intellectual potential, the goal of gifted education is to turn you into a high-achieving adult.

What do you think?

Dr. Kelly and I have thought a lot about this disagreement and, surprise!, we think the truth of the matter lies somewhere in the middle.

As a "gifted student" you were born with a brain that may think faster, be better able to comprehend complex material, or absorb more. This used to be defined by an IQ score, but nowadays more psychologists look at it as a combination of traits that add up to academic or intellectual ability beyond that of the typically developing student of your age. This is sometimes called asynchronous development, meaning that your body is like that of an average 12-year-old, but your brain works like a 16-year-old (and maybe your executive functioning skills are that of a ten-year-old). And yes, you may need challenging academic opportunities because learning more makes you happy - but it also keeps your brain growing and helps you to develop those talents you were born with. And that's fine, too.

Here's where the split comes in - talent developers think you must grow this potential until you are preeminent in your field. We certainly want you to grow, and think you have the ability to grow, but we also know that motivation and ambition are not traits that everyone possesses, no matter what their inherent skills. If you have the intelligence to become a brain surgeon but decide that this is not something you want to devote years of your life to achieving, and decide instead that you are happy being a physician's assistant, are you less successful? It depends on your definition of success. If you can feed yourself and your family, sleep well at the end of the day knowing you have helped someone, and feel a sense of satisfaction in your life and career, is that success? Or do you need to have reached some level of eminence for your gifts to have born fruit?


To put this in an analogy you can understand, let's think about Olympian Michael Phelps. Phelps was born with certain physical attributes that contributed to his success - he's tall, has flipper-like feet, and an extremely long wing-span. He has also put in countless of hours working and training to be an exceptional athlete. Phelps took what he had, yes, an inherent advantage, and developed it until he achieved eminence in his field - certainly a path that talent developers would appreciate. But say Phelps had been a swimmer, been pretty good at it, but decided he really wanted to become a teacher instead - that's where he found his passion. Should he have stayed in the pool, or should he have followed this other dream? Is an excellent and happy teacher of less value than an Olympic athlete?

At ATYP, we want to give you the tools to become highly skilled. If you were an athlete, we would say we are providing you with the coaches and the training you need to develop all that potential - and instilling you with the understanding that true success requires effort and hard work. But we also want you to follow your dreams to your own definition of achievement, and that looks different for every student and for every person. Only you can decide what makes you feel fulfilled, and only you can determine what success looks like. Now dive in!

The Truth About College Admissions

By now you've all seen or heard something about the ongoing scandal regarding college admissions at elite schools, and you probably think I'm going to blog about cheating. Again. But instead I'm going to write about what's really behind this story, the ridiculous game surrounding college admissions and the idea we've created that "college is so hard to get into." We're going to talk about reality.

First, let's talk about the fact that the media is constantly telling us that it is so much more difficult to get into college than it was when your parents were applying to schools. It may be that for the 35-50 most selective colleges (think some private colleges Ivy League, USC, Duke, and a few public universities (Universities of Virginia, Texas, Michigan, Berkley), gaining admission is difficult, with admission rates from 5-35%. Definitely lower admissions percentages than in previous years, and harder to gain access. But according to the Department of Education, there are more than 4,000 degree-granting institutions in the United States - which leaves nearly 4,000 schools where admission rates range from 35 to 75% - or which have open admissions. Which means there is someplace for everyone who wants to further their education.

Let's be clear - there is nothing wrong with wanting to go to a great school, like Stanford. The problem lies in the fact that students and parents confuse prestige, name recognition, and low admission rates with schools that are "the best." U.S. News and World Report has sold us on the idea the you have to go to the schools they consider high-ranking, but one of the criteria they use to create rankings is how hard it is to get in. If more students apply, a school's admission rate lowers and their rankings go up, which has nothing to do with the education you might receive there. The truth is there is no "best" school, there are only schools that are the "best fit" for  you.

What makes a school the best fit? Thinking about schools is kind of like looking for a relationship partner, but requires more effort than swiping right or swiping left. Students need to do some work when deciding where they want to go. You should consider:

• distance from home
• size of student body
• environment (urban/suburban/rural)
• specialty schools (art, engineering, etc.)
• majors/minors
• 2- or 4-year school
• religious affiliation
• public or private
• single sex or co-ed
• cost (including scholarship availability)
• percentage of students who graduate in four years
• registered student organizations
• intercollegiate sports
• housing availability
• diversity
• average GPA/test score for admissions
• weather (seriously, if you don't like to sweat, Arizona may not be the place for you)

Once you've done some serious self-analysis, use an online tool such as the College Board's Big Future website (https://bigfuture.collegeboard.org) or College Navigator (https://nces.ed.gov/collegenavigator/), plug in your choices and see what comes up. Look beyond whether or not it's a name brand school and instead to whether or not it seems to fit your needs - and then go and visit. Nothing gives you the feel of a school more than being on campus, particularly when school is in session. It's okay to visit during the summer if you're in the area anyway, but if you're going to make the effort to tour just for that reason, going when students are there, you can visit a classroom and maybe even stay in a dorm is invaluable. Then make your final choices and apply to those colleges that work the best for you, not for everyone else. Some may be reach schools (because applying to Princeton can be like throwing darts at a dart board), some maybe pretty sure bets, and some may be safety schools, but all of them should be places you can see yourself attending and being happy.

For gifted students there is even more pressure on college choice. You may get a lot of advice from family, friends, and teachers about where you should go...but you're the person who has to go to school there. You have to feel welcome and included. You have to feel at home. And keep in mind that no matter where you are admitted and where you decide to attend, not getting in to any particular college in no way makes you a failure. You know what you're capable of, you know what your goals and dreams are, and you can figure out how to navigate that path. If a school doesn't want you, that's their loss, not yours.

Honesty and Integrity: Why They Matter Here and Everywhere

This week has been a difficult one for us here at ATYP. We are grappling with a fairly significant case of plagiarism, and while it makes us sad and angry to need discussions on honesty and integrity in our work, it has become clear that it's an absolute necessity. This is not a discussion about study groups, or bouncing ideas off others in a brainstorming session, or even asking for editing or feedback on your writing because you'd like it to be better. We're talking about taking someone else's words, phrases, and ideas and passing them off as your own, without acknowledging or citing the original work. We're talking about straight up cheating.

Many parents and teachers are surprised to learn that gifted kids cheat - sometimes quite a bit. Studies and surveys both show that gifted kids do cheat, and for a variety of reasons. Sometimes students are bored, sometimes they are overwhelmed by the amount of work, sometimes they're not challenged enough, sometimes they're afraid to fail, and sometimes they procrastinate and cheat because they don't want to own up to their irresponsibility. Some of these reasons are common in the general population, and some are specific to bright or highly successful students.

We know that we expect a lot, both in the depth and amount of work required of our students. ATYP tries to provide a lot of support, including Help Sessions, available graders and tutors, access during the week to instructors, and one-on-one assistance for time management, organization, dealing with digital distractions, and prioritizing. The fact is, however, that young people need to be willing to ask for help with these problems in order to solve them. Asking for help doesn't mean you're stupid - it means you're smart enough to know when to reach out.

Some kids help friends to cheat - let them copy off an assignment or do an assignment for them - because they think they're being helpful, but nothing could be further from the truth. Helping someone to get a better grade in the short term does nothing for them in the long term. It does not teach them the importance of hard work, honesty, and integrity. It does not teach them that procrastinating until the last minute is not the best strategy. It does not teach them that sometimes you have to fail and struggle to really learn anything - and it discounts the work and effort that other students in the class do put into the assignments.

If you're curious about more of the facts, figures, and psychology behind  the phenomenon of gifted kids cheating, we recommend Cheating, Dishonesty, and Manipulation: Why Bright Kids Do It, by Kate Maupin. The editorial review of the book states, "Cheaters only cheat themselves out of the true joy of learning and accomplishment, at best achieving the cheap satisfaction of beating the system and at worst locking themselves into an unhealthy pattern of deceit." That's what we can attest to, that at it's best ATYP is about the true joy of learning, and knowing that you've earned your achievements because you have done your best. We would hate for students to deny themselves this experience. 

Staff have made it clear, in every interaction this week, that plagiarism and other forms of cheating will not be tolerated here, and can be grounds for dismissal from the program. We are not trying to be harsh, we are being explicit - if you are overwhelmed, we can help you. If you cheat, that's another story. We invite families to read this post together, and to have meaningful discussions regarding the importance of integrity and honesty in their work, in their relationships, and in all other aspects of life. A lot of what needs to be learned growing up is not found in a textbook, so we hope that this is a moment when we can, all of us, learn something of value.