Square Pegs, Round Holes

Many years ago, long before Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker starred in a television sitcom called Square Pegs. It was a funny look at high school students trying to fit into cliques to be popular, and it was fairly groundbreaking in the early 80's for its look into how teenage culture really worked (according to t.v. writers who were not teenagers). Square Pegs was a comedy, but it made a valid point - kids spend a lot of time trying to fit in, worrying when they don't fit in, and trying to determine whether or not fitting in is even important to them. And for gifted kids...multiply these issues several times over.

Gifted students struggle to fit in, in many cases way before high school, for several reasons. First, many gifted children are highly sensitive - both physically and emotionally. Both the typical roughhousing and play and the drama and angst of childhood relationships can be overwhelming, causing them to sometimes prefer their own company. And this can be okay, as long as when they do want a friend, they have someone they can talk to and be themselves with.

Second, advanced abilities can make it difficult to connect to same age peers. For instance, at the age of 7 our daughter liked to play the board game Payday, because she loved to count money and calculate interest. She didn't understand why other second graders didn't want to do that for fun. Finding other kids who give them someone they can relate to and have fun with is important, and that other kid may be older or younger than they are. The key is a common interest - dinosaurs, Dr. Who, bugs, you name it - that gives them a jumping off point to a relationship.

Third, asynchronous development (intellectual, social, and emotional needs, as well as executive functioning, can all be on different levels) can also make it difficult for the gifted to connect with others. If you think like a 10-year-old, but frequently behave like a five-year-old, it may sometimes be that neither the 10-year-olds or the five-year-olds quite know what to make of you. Even with common interests this can be a difficult path to navigate.

Fourth, being called out in class, attending advanced classes, and garnering extra attention might sound great to some adults, but can lead to annoyance, resentment, and sometimes bullying by other students. Not only does this make for difficult interactions both in and out of the classroom, it can make some children start to deny their giftedness in order to fit in. If you notice that a kid is starting to shave off the sides of their own square peg in order to fit better into that round hole, you and the teacher might want to have a discussion about how to make those unique abilities more of a plus than a minus.

Lastly, giftedness is not just an academic or intellectual trait, it's part of who that child is. It can impact how they think, talk, and behave in ways that other children and, frankly, other adults, may not understand. Or know how to deal with. What other people might find discomfiting may just be part of a child's way of seeing and dealing with the world, and then the question becomes, is this the child's problem, or is it someone else's? 

Everyone wants to have friends, to have a social group where they are accepted for who and what they are, and where they can trust others to love and support them. And while it is part of relationship building to compromise and negotiate how those friendships will work, your square peg should not have to work too hard to fit into that round hole. If your child frequently feels alone and left out, talk to them about what's important in relationships, and about finding true friends, not just about feeling popular or part of the in- crowd. If they need help, work with them to find extracurricular activities and events where they can meet kids with whom they have more in common, and be there for them when the outside world is harsh. Home should always be a place where their square peg always fits just right.